another day has passed. Today my free periods is 3 times my lessons. But i still feeling pretty out of sorts. sigh. its nobody's fault, really. But lately will suddenly feel like shutting up and juz don feel like saying anything to anyone. I dunno, as if afraid i'll say something wrong. Or... i dunno, i'm juz so not myself lor. Kinda unwell, kinda sick, i really hope this period of time of go quickly. i hate the way i am now. so weird. so... weird.

It might be depression.
It might be that i feel so lost and detached from my B.O.D.
It might be that i juz feel sick.
It might be that i miss alot of pple.
It might be that i haven seen David for quite some time.
It might be that i am stressed up.
It might be that i juz don seem to get enough rest no matter how long i sleep.
It might be that my mind is constantly full of stuff.
It might be that i am worrying abt my promos.
It might be that i am thinking of "wad next?".
It might be trying to forget some unforgettable stuff.
It might be trying to avoid some unavoidable pple.
It might be the irritation PW causes.
It might be Maggie Goh Liew Lian.
It might be econs.
It might be the general stress environment TJ offers.
It might be my cousins.
It might be my bro's PSLE.
It might be the fear of letting everybody down in something i do wrong.
It might be that alot of pple in my sub-com are not free now.
It might be that i left my B.O.D notebook in sch and cant contact more helpers.
It might be how i juz feel so down at times for no obvious reason.
It might be the fear of something during investiture going wrong.
It might be how i feel unhappy wif stuff but i juz go "nothing." when pple ask.
It might be that somehow my computer decides to have problems now.
It might be how i cant seem to find someone to talk to abt stuff.
It might be that i have a million contacts on my hp, yet don dare to call anyone.
It might be that i cant join the whole TJ LEP to this 龙应台 talk at NTU that is so 千载难逢, but i have LEO investiture on the same day and i have to give that up. And i am the ONLY one that have to give up, the rest were excused cuz they not in B.O.D.
It might be all of the above. argh.

Actually when its in words, i suddenly see how much weight i've put on myself and what i am actually putting myself thru, and how i am slowly suffocating under these stuff. Bogging my mind with all of these and MORE is not healthy. In fact, its giving me breathing probs and i already have asthma. But somehow i cant push these away. At least not now. And i'm quite sure even if these cluttered stuff clear up, new things will pop up and take their space and continue to suffocate me. I am such an idiot and get stressed up so easily. Cannot even handle stuff properly and cant do things well. Even one pathetic programme booklet had to make changes dunno how many million times and die die ms wong also got fault to find with it.

I am living in my own dreamworld and the dreams now are all sad dreams. keep remembering sad stuff, keep recalling sad memories whenever i walk pass a familiar spot in sch. like i graduating and leaving le, the kinda sad, melancholic mood. sigh. why am i like dat??????????
Help me.
Talk to me.
要哭都哭不出来。
真的不懂要怎么办好。

I feel so trapped. so lost. so gone. so... depressed.
Joyce at 9:01 PM

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